We are forever in awe of the integrity with which Kimberly Van Der Beek approaches all that she does, from motherhood (she is the mother of 5 beautiful babes!) and holistic health, to friendship, leading with her heart and unwaveringly standing up for what she believes in. On her own platform, she is beloved as a voice of incredible honesty, sharing her life experiences with refreshing and touching candor. We are so grateful that she was willing to do the same with us here, opening up about her miscarriage journey and her complex feelings towards her body in the wake of that heartbreak. We believe that sharing stories of womanhood, motherhood, and loss is an important step in de-stigmatizing the challenges and heartbreaks that so many of us have faced, or will face (I myself have had two early stage miscarriages, and nothing has been more moving or healing than hearing similar stories from women in my community). There is power in vulnerability, and we are honored to share this deeply vulnerable story with you here today. Read on for a window into Kimberly’s journey, and for some sweet photos with two of her adorable little ones.

– KK

A POST-PARTUM BODY, AND NO BABY

I had a late-term miscarriage, a postpartum body… and no baby. Now what?

There’s so much to unpack from losing a baby at 17 weeks of pregnancy, but I’m going to focus on the postpartum body. I wish I could tell you that I came home from the hospital fully honoring my sacred body. That I gave myself an herbal bath, looked in the mirror with gratitude and love for all it’s endured and all that it has done: birthed and nurtured five children, survived four miscarriages, taken me on so many beautiful life adventures. But I didn’t do that. That’s just something I’d tell my friend to do, while honoring their body without judgment.

Instead, I judged myself for judging myself. Which didn’t fit into the self-definition I’d bought into: confident, positive, prevailing. My insecurities, sadness, and anger were more than I had the capacity to feel, so I coped. I convinced myself that I was fine.

But oh, no… this soul of mine? She’s bossy. She likes to get in all those dusty corners and sweep them out. And after a few months of lying to myself, I finally got real. I came to terms with the fact that I was really devastated about losing the baby, and that looking at my body was a horrible reminder of that, as well as a reminder of a terrifying trip to the hospital, blood transfusions, anger, and grief. I blamed my body, even though it harbored no fault. Coming clean with my feelings was the first step to healing them.

I decided it was finally time to honor my thoughts and my body. I wrote in my journal. I meditated. I prayed. I told myself that I was beautiful - before I felt it. And ever so slowly, I began to see an ancient beauty looking back at me in the mirror. I saw a woman who’d lived many tales and was more interesting - even captivating - for it. I saw a woman who vowed to be more authentic, more vulnerable, and more real. And eventually, I began to accept that woman as myself.

I write this as a part of my healing process. To give my journey a purpose. It’s my hope that in reading this, you’ll be inspired to self-reflect, sweep those dusty corners, and allow yourself the self-love of which we are all worthy.

From my heart to yours,

Kimberly Van Der Beek